Okay, so at one point Ice T and LL Cool J had beef.
Like serious beef. The type that involves threats of violence, wives and family, and semen…lots and lots of semen.
You see, in 1990, LL had released a diss song to Ice titled, “To Da Break of Dawn.” In it he may have possibly, kind of alluded to ejaculating on pictures of Ice’s then wife, Darlene Ortiz... sort of. Basically, the two men didn’t like each other much.
They were from two different coasts, representing two different facets of Hip Hop music. The ideological fissures between the two ran deep.
Well, a short time later Flavor Flav held a birthday party and the two artists found themselves, probably for the first time, in the same building. Words were exchanged and things began to get heated. But before the situation could get out of hand, Afrika Bambaataa sat everyone down and worked out a truce.
He appealed to the better part of each side’s conscience and came to a resolution that was mutually beneficial for both: LL would stop ejaculating on pictures of Ice’s wife…and Ice would promise not to kill him.
In fact, as a way of testing his resolve, Ice would eventually divorce Ortiz and marry the beautiful human flotation device, Coco. Reports say that Ice is currently addicted to every form of sedative there is to avoid spontaneous combustion, now that the entire world has the opportunity to release love juice over his wife’s image. Tragic Irony or Poetic Justice? You tell me.
Ah, if only American foreign relations were as easy to reconcile as Hip Hop beef.
Why can’t Israel just stop trying to kill Palestine? And what’s the deal with Palestine consistently nutting on Israel’s face? Or is the other way around? And what’s the deal with Iran? What are they, the 50 Cent of the Mideast region?
One thing is for sure tho’, and that’s Obama is no Bambaataa.
Aside from the fact that I hear he has a horrible breakdown backspin (don’t get me started on his fuckin’ scratch and mix technique) the U.S. President seems to be ignorant of a key difference between he and the leader of the Zulu Nation. You see, Bambaataa was, and is, anchored within the culture he was trying to preserve.
Bambaataa is Hip Hop. On the other hand, Obama, for all his worldliness, cannot hide from the fact that he’s American. Like, really, really American. Despite what his detractors would have you believe, the guy probably shits apple pie fixins.
It’s hard for someone who represents “The Great Satan” to come off as anything but condescending when attempting to mend decades-long divisions in the Middle East. I mean, American is American, and that’s whether you love fiery, strong-willed women with bubble butts or not.
Iran’s current unrest following their most recent election and its suspicious results are a testament to this disconnect. While the country’s youth seem to back the Obama-influenced promises of reform by the opposition’s leader Mr. Hossein Moussavi, there is reason to believe "incumbent" President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, despite his shortcomings, vitriolic rhetoric and all-around failures as leader, still carries support from Iran’s clerics, ayatollahs, and rural voters.
Then there’s Israel. On June 14, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made a major statement by acknowledging the need for a two state solution to his country and Palestine’s ongoing conflicts. However, the statement came with conditions requiring Palestine be demilitarized with no control of its own airspace and borders. Israel is basically saying, "Yeah, Palestine, you can have recess...but you'll have to hold the playground monitor's hand the whole time. Oh, about that whiffle ball game...Yes, you can play. No, you can't have a bat. Or a mitt. And you still have to hold my hand. Have fun!" Netanyahu also rejected the idea of a freeze on Israeli settlements in the Gaza strip. As expected, Palestinian response was overwhelmingly negative with Palestinian legislator Mustafa Barghouti, accusing Netanyahu of calling for the creation of a ghetto state.
In the end, what could have been a continuation of President Obama’s June 4 call for conflict resolution, quickly descended into a volleying of the same trite and well-worn arguments.
And that seems to be the story of Obama’s presidency so far. He wants to be a bridge between the conflicting ideologies of our past, but can’t because, due to the very nature of who he is, he and his ideas are too polarizing. This is especially true in the Muslim and Arab worlds where he is considered a cultural outsider. Tragic Irony, or Poetic Justice?
President Abraham Lincoln believed that to be a successful mediator, both sides have to hate you. If one side thinks you’re cool, you’re probably not being fair enough. It’s like if Bambaataa came to Flavor Flav’s party with a picture of Ice’s wife, a box of tissue, and started screaming “Where the Jergens at?!”
Obama’s campaign for “change” just won’t fly in the Middle East. It’s as simple as that. There’s too much history, too much pain, and too much resentment. The words and urgings of someone on the outside looking in will do little to nothing. Call me a cynic, but I have no doubt that Israel, Palestine, Iran, Pakistan and Afganistan will continue on with business as usual and someone, somewhere, is getting the creamy grill.
Unlike Hip hop beef, foreign relations are “in the immortal words of LL, hard as hell.”
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