New Swine Flu Strain Causes Brain Damage

Written By:
Richard Corey, Hip Hop Maestro of the Steez Conglomerate


Fears that the swine flu would evolve into a more dangerous strain were realized yesterday, according to the World Health Organization (WHO), which has already confirmed several high-profile cases of infection.

The new strain of H1N1, also known as the swine flu, primarily affects brain function. Symptoms include incoherence, delirium, and an inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Although the new strain is not considered fatal, those infected mentally degrade to vegetative, dull-witted states. The virus acts quickly and currently there are no vaccines or cures.

According to WHO, the most recent confirmed infections have occurred in Cambridge, Mass. The first incident involved a Sgt. James Crowley who, while suffering from the mentally debilitating symptoms, arrested a man in his own home.

The arrested man turned out to be distinguished Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., returning from a research trip in China.

According to the officer, Gates was acting belligerent, but did produce identification proving he was the homeowner. However, it is at this point in the story where health officials agree the mind-dulling symptoms overcame the officer’s ability to think rationally. Instead of leaving the scene, Crowley arrested Gates for “disorderly conduct.”

The charges were, of course, dropped when unaffected police realized the stupidity of arresting a man, while in his own home, for speaking loudly to an officer, which, in and of itself, is not a crime.

On July 22, President Barack Obama held a press conference on health care reform and was questioned about the event. Obama responded by admitting he was “biased” as Gates is his friend, but believed the officers acted “stupidly” for arresting a 58-year-old man who uses a cane for breaking into his own home.

The president was later forced to step back from his statement in response to a backlash he received from newly infected individuals who had crawled their way, no doubt slobbering incoherently, to blogs and telephones to voice their unintelligible protests.

Patient 0

Officials can only surmise when the virus mutated, but the location of the first confirmed case points to Delaware. There a woman exhibiting symptoms disrupted a June 30 town hall meeting held by Rep. Mike Castle (R-Del.).

The woman, who one unaffected witnesses described as a shrieking zombie-eyed harpy, leveled her boney finger and accusations at the President of the United States, Barack Obama.

In what appeared to be a fever-induced hysteria, the woman, disease ravaged and absent her faculties, stated that the president was in fact a citizen of Kenya and that he had made no attempts to prove otherwise.

Our source, who wishes to remain anonymous because he fears for his life, was shocked to hear such outright and utter wrongness pouring from the mouth of a bipedal creature. But what he saw next left him horrified. Before his eyes, the virus seemed to spread as audience member after member stood up in defense of the raving, frothing lunatic. Each fallow face and hollowed eye, held the unsteady shake of sickness.

“They meant to kill me, so I left,” our source said, before falling to his knees and sobbing openly, “Christ, the children…those poor children.”

The bones of what appeared to be several toddlers were later found at the scene, the flesh picked clean. Local authorities suspect cannibalism.

The Obama Connection

Health officials have noted the link between both high-profile cases is President Obama’s existence as the first black president of the United States.

“Apparently, the existence of a black president has, in the minds of some people, triggered hormonal reactions that mutate H1N1 within the neocortex of the brain,” said Dr. Anthony Lashley, assistant to the associate director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases at the National Institutes of Health.

“Although it appears to affect mostly individuals of European descent,” he said, “there are cases of infected African-Americans as well, all connected to president Obama in some way.”

This may explain the number of blacks who believe in the much maligned concept of a “post-racial” America. Despite disproportionate numbers of minorities arrested and put in prison, given home and bank loans, and despite the generally accepted and recognized practice of racial profiling, some African-Americans illogically hang on to the belief that Obama’s election signifies the end to “the struggle.”

“We are free at last, hallelujah!” Tawanda Clark exclaimed from her front porch. “I knew this day would come! Now black men can stop using excuses, racism has been dead for years, but we’ve been keeping it alive! We’ve been perpetuating the problem! Obama’s election proves it!”

Ironically, Clark was arrested by local police during our interview for disorderly conduct, while on her porch. She was booked at the county jail where Ms. Clark was accidentally shot while handcuffed to a bench. Officers on the scene, including Sgt. Bradley Lawson who fired the fatal shot, state she had been speaking loudly and in a rude manner.

Both Clark and Lawson later tested positive for the mutated swine flu strain.